Chance's blog: "life"

hmm, wonder if the title of this will catch person's attention so they read it lol. i was having grrness trying to make things ok with ravyn and be on talking terms, because i would like to be friends again, and as ussual she got all pissed and saying how just thinking of me and what i did to her makes her sick so she tries not to think about me, and it irks her that i randomly talk to her when she's told me a million times to leave her the fuck alone. so i was having horrible night :/ and for some reason when i'm bleh i turn to rochelle a bit, well not surprising i mean, i tend to think of her every day a little bit even though i've been unwillingly consumed by ravyn. anyways, i started feeling like i just really don't want things to be like this and i really want to make it go away and be better and such and once again like i need to force myself to not think of ravyn so that i don't keep making her sick to her stomach :/ she doesn't think of me and i can't find a way to stop thinking of her, or more i constantly lose my defense. anyways so i started feeling all needing to cling and such, and i started bugging rochelle and buying her lots of gifts on her oh wait before that happened when i thought of wanting to make a change do something about my situation for some reason my mind went to wanting to drive and see rochelle, because i still want to meet her. anyways started buying her lots of gifts and such, then i just started letting everything come back that was there when i was first talking to rochelle, before i had to force my feelings away for her because she decided to work things out with her bf and such. everytime i start to care about someone other then ravyn i seem to find myself needing to kill the feelings so i end up just being all wrapped in ravyn again soon as i started slowly killing her away. anyways i started having thoughts of meeting rochelle somewhere and such. the thoughts started to make my heart pound the way it does sometimes when i think of walking up to ravyn as if i'm actually going to do it. i think i even started hyper ventilating a little like i do at times when thinking of certain things about ravyn and playing things out in my head. i had the thought of meeting her i donno at a gas station or something seeing her walking towards the door and running up and jumping on her or in her arms or something silly and just starting to kiss her cheek all excitedly and hyperishly. not ussual for me to act that way but at the thought of believing myself to actually meet her it led to that feeling inside me of overwelmed joy and just release of all pain. and i had thoughts of just laying my head on her and stuff. and before falling asleep slightly bad thoughts.. that i'm sure she doesn't mind.. i basically decided to let myself feel inlove with her for the night because i needed it badly. perhaps that seems weak of me or whatever, and i felt that surely i'd fall asleep and dream of ravyn because i often have things like that happen to tell me when i'm lying to myself or something or living in a dillusion. instead i spent the entire night having dream after dream of rochelle. i had a weird dream that i somehow had gotten home footage of hers and put it together in a movie or something and was watching it. someone had asked what it was and i said footage of my friend in georgia, and i remember pondering if she would be mad at me though i didn't think she would be. perhaps like i pondered slightly if she'd be annoyed at me overflowing her inbox or kind of clinging a bit all the sudden. in the video she was at one point in a hot tub or something, and then all the sudden i was there too, and i believe i kissed her. and there were parts where she was younger and i was all the sudden in the movie and i was trying to figure out which person was her so i could hold her close to me. i remember when i was watching the video i kept asking myself "is this the girl i love? can i love her? is she the one for me?" and stuff like that. through out the night flashes of her pictures from her profile on her kept appearing in my mind as well. probably because i kept staring at them last night and they're all i really know her by. i started thinking back to our conversations and her voice through out the night too, searching to see if something was there. heh, i think she's the only person i could think of talking to and actually create a response to something i say for and have it seem like her. i tend to have conversations with people in my mind, but when i thought of talking to rochelle it was the first time it sort of seemed like the other person was there speaking and i wasn't just pretending to be them or something and making up what they'd say. but all night was like one long swirl of connected dreams and thoughts. there was one part that was about something else sort of though, but i think it gradually curved into the other dreams. there was this girl who was younger ish, and we were in a large house or something. other people were involved somehow, and i think she was somehow trapped there like a prisoner of some sort of something, i think i was too. it was all very eary and unclear. i think i wanted to help her, i think i tried to. now that i think of it as an after thought the girl reminds me of my friend holly who i'm trying to help through some guy issues right now. i tend to find myself wanting to burry myself into rochelle and press my lips against the tattoo on her chest and just forget everything. i want to fall asleep in her lap, and let her take care of me. it is possibly my clinging in desperation and need i know that. i know it's probably stupid to let myself think of it as i knew it was probably pointless the first time i let myself feel such things, but i figure she won't mind too much and it's better then a dillusion that causes me to talk to someone and make them sick. donno, i feel too comftorable when it comes to rochelle, like i don't have to care. it feels like i couldn't hurt her. not because i'd care too much to let it happen and would fight myself internally refusing to ever let it hurt her, but i feel like who i am wouldn't hurt her. like she has the strength to protect herself against my problems. i get to that point of thinking but then realize i don't know if she would ever love me though. if she did i don't think i could hurt her, just i don't know if she ever would love me. or if i could love her as much as i've loved before. the lonely sort of selfish part of me started wondering if i could make her love me, seems i'm good at making people love me even when i don't want to. i wonder if i could take her heart away and make it mine. she told me i've taken a piece of it and i do believe she'll always care about me, but will it ever be everything? seems the only song i've gotten a decent recording of is from when i was pondering these exact same things the last time i let myself start to fall for her. ... before this goes on anymore i need to know the truth i need to know your feelings do you love me too if i promised you forever would you be there in the end if i promised you forever would you still love me then i want to feel your lips girl breath you in my heart i want to make you mine girl say we'll never part before this goes on anymore i need to know the truth i need to know your heart girl do you love me too i want to make forever in your arms tonight i want to live forever if you love me too s'pose what brings me back and gives me the ability to even let myself think/feel such things is because i never got an answer. i thought she would have school yesturday, and i was hoping i'd hear from her. i miss her. we can always talk for hours, and i think if her phone didn't die and we didn't have other things to do we could always talk and have things to say. i miss how we got to talk a lot when we first met. though, if we still talked regularily i don't think i'd ever start to lose the feelings. i don't know if i'd even really think of ravyn anymore.. but, i don't know our lives don't allow us to talk regularily, and we continue a routine of seeming inlove and together when we talk and then once we're gone we go back to our lives. i don't know, i think i'm pondering this so much right now because i need something new to ponder. maybe i need some sort of hope.

seems i've been dreaming a lot more lately. though they aren't dreams i'm really in control of. last night was sort of weird. my dreams often seem to have some underlying mystery to them but i never seem to know what it is. like there's some plot or something. last night though it was confusing because the girl would look like felicity or something, but then in my mind it would be ravyn and such. i hate when that happens cuz then i get confuzzled. anyways i know i had a dream where i was certain it was ravyn yet i can't remember what happened in that one :/ and then when it looked like felicity but i was thinking of ravyn we were in a room there were two other people and i was holding her hand. there was something we were trying to do but i don't remember, and somehow the two guys got mad and turned on us and one of them was trying to grab the girl and i started to try and stop them and such. in another one it had to do with being in washington and i was splitting fire wood, and once again it sort of looked like felicity i think, but i was thinking of ravyn or something. ne ways i remember going in the house and getting noodles, cuz i ate lots of noodles last night and such. at one point i remember kissing ravyn. donno i had lots of scattered dreams of that sort. then i had a dream again i was in washington, my foster sister was there and so was rochelle :) anyways i dreamt that i had to go to work except the little store was 7-11 and i had to work at one i didn't ussually work at to fill in for someone or something i had been called by the manager (surprisingly like what happened last night..) and rochelle worked there before i worked, so i was trying to get there a few minutes early to see her before she left work. probably thought of that cuz on saturday felicity worked right before me and leaves when i get there, so i was thinking of that, and thinking of rochelle at the same time. anywho so i got there, and she was there, though she didn't look like rochelle, but it was her. her hair was different and such it was short and a different color which was odd, but i still knew it was her. and i gave her a hug and such, and i think i jumped in her arms or something weird. and then i picked her up in my arms and said i bet you thought i'd drop you huh? or something like that. that's about all i remember of that. my dreams i can only remember the basics, yet they're so vivid when i'm asleep, i just can't seem to figure out the underlying messege of them. there's always some plot some messege i just can't seem to see. then i had some odd one that was like a game show where you have to guess things about the person or something. there was some girl who was in her 20's with blonde hair and such, and she was a porn star or something so all the guys were freaking out about that. and i finally had to tell them to shut up so we could find out about the person. and i had asked her what her favorite movie was that didn't involve porn and she gave a date and said it had zoology in it or however you spell that. and some guy was making no sense asking if she was born in 947 or some long ago year like that. finally i guessed jurassic park and was correct. that's pretty much all there was to that dream oh and i guessed she was 27. i just remember feeling upset that all anyone cared about was she had been a porn star and they didn't want to learn anything about who she really was :/ once again i'm up way to early. it's only 6:30. my foster mom never called me last night to tell me what the deal was with me borrowing a car this weekend to get to work :/ i'll have to call her today then. i was supposed to work at 1, but now i don't work until 4 which is nice. i have to cover for dustin cuz he messed up his knee. felicity is covering my shift well partly but she starts at 3:30 instead of 1 and works until 8:30. which is fine with me, i really didn't want to go back to work, so having her there will help, at least with her i won't have to act like i'm completely fine and happy and such. and can be a little bit more myself. i think my dreams brought me out of my depression so far though. i asked my friend to give ravyn my phone number, not to ask her to call or anything, just give it to her. don't think she'd call, but maybe.. and i want her to have the choice to. i miss her, but i can't force her to care. though i'd give anything just to be friends again. even if i could never hold her again. i know it's hard to just be friends and it kills me, but i rather die for something that means a lot to me then hide from the pain. only time will tell i guess.

this is probably just going to be another senseless rant, though i already did one earlier this morning i think. but, for some reason i feel like i shouldn't rant on my myspace right now though i don't know why. i always have a slight thought that ravyn reads my blog but doesn't comment or talk to me, cuz she used to do it though she'd refuse to talk to me which sort of pissed me off. she said it was to make sure i didn't do anything stupid or something like that. i haven't slept yet and i did the midnight last night. i've started to have silly day dreams that come every once in a while. the kind where you think of it in a way that you make it feel real. the kind that always makes my heart pound and my breathing increase sometimes to the point of hyperventilating. just silly scenarios like if i were to fly out to washington and seeing ravyn at school or going to her house with a completed book i wrote and giving it to her or something. things like that are the only thing that still makes my heart race with anticipation and longing and whatever else it is. too many things i s'pose to explain. maybe it really is good my car isn't working, because i feel more and more like just hopping in my car and driving out to washington. saying who cares because it's been so long since i really did and going after the one thing my heart longs for. it's hard to put meaning into anything i do or believe in myself when i deny the one thing that's most important and real to me. another month or two and i'll have my tax return and hopefully enough money to fly out to washington. a few more months, and i don't think i can remain hidden anymore.. i don't think i can keep from i don't even know. i s'pose i don't have much to say i'm just rambling.

rochelle called me before work last night which was nice. she seems to be the only friend i have who tries to keep in touch with me and who calls me, other then felicity ne ways. it's always nice talking to her because it seems like we always have plenty to say and it doesn't get really quiet or anything, where as with people often you simply run out of things to say. part of it is probably cuz we only talk every so often so more happens in between. she's nifty. ive pretty much not eaten in the last two days. on sunday i had some eggs and sausage thats all i ate the whole day, and yesturday i had one chicken sandwhichy thing from work/ so ive had one meal a day the last two days, and i didnt have time to get food before i left work cuz derek had to give me a ride thanks to my car and i knew he needed to get to work and there's pretty much no food here, tho i s'pose i can heat up some mac n cheese noodes n eat them with tomato sause since i dont have milk n such to make mac n cheese, my tummy hurts a little. last night was sort of busy for a monday night, but it was only busy at one or two points instead of people bothering me constantly like sunday. i made about 300 more then sunday and yet had more time to get stuff done so that was good. it seems no one other then me is working ne more. i mean people run the register and it seems that's it. i know felicity works, but she gets stuck working with joe and he has a way of preventing others from doing stuff by not being competent enough to do what he needs to do on his own. the cooler hasnt been stocked for like a week and it needs to be stocked daily. i stocked some during the night and when kim got there this morning, its horrible. we had my car started for a few minutes and then it went to hell again. derek finally just said screw it. so he gave me a ride last night and this morning. i put the battery charger back on this morning cuz after derek left i killed it to the point of it wont even turn over. tho i wonder if i screwed up the starter not the battery.. not sure. owell, all i can do is keep trying. i cant have derek giving me rides all the time he's at work when i have evening shifts or its his weekend off and i wouldnt want to bug him on his days off. felicity came over before she went to work. we were wrestling and such as is somewhat ussual. we somehow ended up on my bed. i know its probably wrong to let myself even be as close as i have since she has a bf and i know that i'd just hurt her, but i can't help it. whenever we hang out the urge of desperate loneliness sits inside of me and it's hard to fight old habits of things i used to do every day for a year. it's hard to be that close with someone and not cling and cuddle with them when the only time you've been near someone alone and such like that was your gf who you clung to ever second of every day. and it makes me feel even worse because while hanging out with her ravyn runs through my mind. it's grr, cuz i'll want to hold felicity and such and be cuddly but then i start thinking of how much i wish i could hold ravyn, and i don't want to pretend felicity is ravyn.. that'd be bad. it's weird to find i do things that ravyn used to do, like make certain faces or say certain things. i think it's my way of keeping her with me, by making her part of who i am, ofcourse i think she's become too deeply a part of who i am a long time ago for it to be something i could do simply to keep her around, i think it's more the fact i can't help it. i think i discovered why my car won't start. even since it first stopped working, i've just wanted to get it started and drive out to washington.. perhaps it's preventing me because something somewhere somehow thinks that i'd actually be crazy enough and strong enough to do something that drastic. granted deep down i live to be maybe bad word choice but "over dramatic" because only when i manage to be completely consumed in emotion am i alive, and so rarely can i be completely consumed in emotion to do anything drastic. last time it happened well, lets just say ravyn no longer talks to me. so i slammed a door, i called her back and apologized and told her i wasn't mad i just had so much emotion inside me i couldn't help losing control for a split second. yet she still hasn't forgiven me. it's better when over emotion causes me to make those i care about overwelmingly happy. god my stomach hurts, i'm so hungry :/ stupid no food ness. atleast after tonight i have a die off, that'll be nice i guess.. if i don't have my car working not sure what im gonna do, i won't be able to go get food or anything. yesturday would have been two years and 4 months with ravyn.. and its been a year and 3 months since we were on ok terms to where she'd willingly speak to me. one month and i'm 19. i don't think i can ever be happy on my birthday again. not under these circumstances. ive needed her to hold me every birthday since i met her, and each one i think i'll simply need her more. the first time she was there and i didn't feel good, i laid in her lap under the stars at the park. and she comforted me making me forget my icky feeling. she made it all better. it was the first time i let her take care of me, it was always me taking care of her. and now each birthday i'll think to that, and need her to hold me more then before. it's worse then a stomach ache. it's worse then over working myself in gym class or being made to feel horrible at things i once thought i was good at. i've been made to feel meaningless by the one thing that means everything. and all i can do is hide in the shadows, dreaming of coming out of the dark. dreaming of grabbing her by the hand pushing past her built up animosity and making her see the truth. taking all of her frustration and turning into realization. honestly i'm not sure why i don't constantly try to talk to her or find a way to make it better. i didn't stop with alexz for like a year, and i've always found myself swelling to do anything, yet now i find myself trying to keep myself from doing anything whenever the thought arises. it almost may sound like i don't care this time, or that it's not as meaningful. but the painful truth is it's so meaningful i can't take the pain of failure. it kills me too much everytime she turns away from me and acts like i'm nothing. i can't stand to believe she thinks so lowly of me, maybe i can't stand the truth. i can't stand to know she's happy with out me, or that everything is perfect when i'm miserable, though even more i can't stand the thought of her unhappy. if i knew she was unhappy i'd lose control. i can turn away and hide away when i believe she's content and perfectly happy with out me, but when i get those thoughts she's lying to herself, that maybe she is simply being with guys letting herself be content but in the back of her mind knowing there's something missing it's difficult. i have to force them away. i can't bear to think that she's doing to herself what's being done to me, that she is living a lie because it was too painful to face the truth. that it was too painful to be herself. i hide from myself every day to try and make the pain go away. i'm attempting to force myself to stop that though. i attempt several times a month. i think i managed to not deny what's inside me for about a month over the summer. hard when being myself simply hurts and i feel like it doesn't matter who i am anymore. "i'd let myself drown just to know you care"

i think something's wrong with me.. something not normally wrong with me.. i've been an insomniac my whole life so i'm used to not sleeping, and i've gotten used to sleeping extra when im up for 35 hours straight, but i hadnt been up that long and i slept from 2 am until 730 pm got up until 9 pm and then slept again until 3 am and its tempting to go lay down and sleep more.. i just slept more then an entire day.. i slept like 25 hours practically straight with maybe 5 minutes inbetween falling asleep and then being up for about an hour.. the disturbing part is i didnt force myself to sleep i fell asleep quickly which doesn't even happen if im tired. i went back to sleep at 9 cuz i had almost fallen asleep taking a bath. i have to work the morning shift at 9:30. i hate sundays and morning shifts both are busy. i havent had to do a sunday other then the midnight in so long.. and i think ive only done one day shift on a sunday making me curse them forever. i tried to see if felicity would do it because i worked for her on saturday. well technically i worked for dustin and he took her shift (they both called me sick wanting me to work) bleh, yesturday was my only real day off this week and i literally slept it as well as half of today away. if i had two days off in a row i wouldn't mind. ive always wanted to just sleep life away. im surprised with how much i slept i didn't have many dreams i could remember only one or two. i had a dream of ravyn and some weird dream i don't really want to explain. the dream with ravyn wasn't unlike my ussual dreams, i saw her at the school it was the elementary school this time and she was heading towards the track to walk around it. same pretty much as a previous one i had. i was starting to walk towards the school, then i decided not to and i caught up with her and told her i liked her hair (in my dream she had dyed it) we sort of started having a normal conversation for a little bit, then she started trying to pull away and such. it led to me asking how she could still treat me like this when it's already been over a year and i've left her alone and how even after this long i still love her. once we were holding eachother i woke up as always seems to happen. meh now i want to just get in my car and drive out there and walk up to her. i want to do something drastic, i want to make things better i don't want to keep sitting around as everything fades away. but, i don't even know what i would say. nothing seems right. there aren't words. she's worth more then words and probably more then i deserve. somehow i feel like something is going go happen or is happening something seems i dont know but with my sleeping so much with no reason it seems like it means something. maybe somehow sleeping kept me from soemthing or will save up energy for something to come? i don't know. i can't say i don't care because the truth is i do. i don't have the sight to see what's ahead or at least to decipher my own wants and thoughts from what's vision.. i started wondering if perhaps the reason in all my dreams i'm the one grabbing her by the arm pulling her aside and talking to her is because i should be. maybe i shouldn't be remaining quiet and letting it go like this. it just doesn't seem like any effort has worked, and honestly i don't know if i'm strong enough to confront her in person. maybe i should have. maybe i should have put my jacket around her when we had the fire drill and i saw her in a t-shirt shivering. maybe i should have walked up to her and asked to talk to her. i did try but maybe no enough. but its been a constant battle of trying to figure out what im supposed to do. what's best for her, what makes her the happiest. if she only realized how much i love her even when i don't try to, even if i try not to. i don't know if anyone can change it or replace her. i was surprised someone could replace alexz, but this time i can't find the flaws like i did with alexz. the only flaws or me and circumstance.. if we had only made it a little longer things would have gotten better. we would have had a whole week to ourselves with my parents on vacation, and then if we made it thru this year she'll be 18 and we could have lived together forever and always had eachother's comfort. we could have done anything we wanted. *sigh* i won't even get to go to her graduation. i s'pose i could fly out for it and still go maybe go with a friend or something. i'm just so lost, it's been this way for over a year now. completely lost. i haven't truly felt alive with out her. the closest i get is those few nights for a minute i lie and let myself pretend she's next to me, when i find myself cuddling my pillow and whispering i love her. it's pathetic really. all the childish things we used to do, the way we used to cling and be overly cute. she made me get to be the kid i was never able to be. most of what holds me back is guilt, and not wanting to leave a bunch of trouble for other people. i don't want to leave my cousin with out a renter and leave all my crap for someone else to move, i don't want to leave my work with out an employee and one of the only ones who does anything. i don't want to make derek and doreen worry. if i knew it was the only way then i'd no longer care, but with out any certainty or light of any kind i'm stuck in a never ending routine of worrying about bills, being broke and having no life and little will power to change any of it. i can't remember if i've ever been stuck in a pit this long before. itll be ok one day. if all else fails i have to die eventually. sleeping so much gave me an odd thought to check my neck for bite marks lol. that proved wishful thinking as i expected, but hey you never know.. something amazing and great could happen to me out of the blue.. it's happened before.. she just won't speak to me now..

wow today started off really shitty and somehow has ended up being very good. well in some ways. first of all we did screw up on my income taxes so i am getting it all back instead of owing money thank god :) two i ended up working tho i havent slept in now over 30 hours (i needed the money to make rent) and then well this is good and bad but dean was pissed off when i saw him tonight because of how the week has been with out me working. he almost quit it was so bad with my not working before him (dustin and joe don't do crap) dean is already packing meaning i will most likely be taking over midnights soon meaning more money, a normal sleeping schedule ect. and another brighter note i got to work for a few hours with felicity which was nice because i like working with her, well i just like hanging out with her in general. i was wide awake and almost hyper at work because i got there and was overwelmed. kim does jack shit so i had to put away groceries stock the cooler tons of stuff to keep me awake. felicity had come over before work and ann ended up calling me asking me to come in, i was gonna go to bed once felicity left but ended up going to work with her. i wanted to fall asleep on her lol but i think that would be going too far for friends. somewhat confused about how close i'm allowed to be, because i'm used to friends that i'm so close to i can cuddle with them and fall asleep on them and such and it's not weird or anything. but, she has a bf and it's not someone who im good friends with. where as such as with john and emi when they were together john didn't even care if emi kissed me because it's me, when he was really jealous of anyone else. after all the pain and suffering and working my ass off maybe it will pay off i don't know. i often think things will get better they start to and then don't. i know the one thing i really need to make any pain worth it but don't expect it anytime soon. maybe i cant have love right now, or even someone to hold but at least i've found a buddy to hang out with outside of work. that's nice anyways. i hope things just keep working themselves out. i really need to sleep soon :/ now that i feel awake.. ive been up since around 4 pm over a day ago.. well, i just wanted to get all of that out and such since bad things have sort of turned into good things in a way. glad about my income taxes.

this is what i got on an iq test oh yay. could have scored better but i was just trying to get thru it near the end. so decided to not think and figure out one or two of the questions tho i know i could have lol. Congratulations, Chance! Your IQ score is 133 This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results. .. hmm creative solutions like using a piece of a sucker to fix my guitar since i seem to have lost the peg to hold the guitar string in place? or how i didnt have to buy new electric guitar strings for a year because when they broke i tied them with paper clips and wire to use the old strings? lol i did my taxes today.. i was supposed to be getting money back i thought.. but somehow i owe money.. like 200 dollars.. im a bit upset. because i thought id get like 3 or so hundred back, there goes my vacation money and food money and rent money and money for anything really. i already dont think i can make rent next month, ive been unable to save any money since i started work, now my hours our cut i wont have tons of over time, and yet im supposed to save 200 in a few months. atleast my damage deposit is almost paid off on the house that will help. an extra 100 a month that i probably wouldnt have anyways. doreen bought me some food today which was nice of her. i got some noodles and tomato type sauce. was thinking of ravyn that made me think to get it.. but luckily it reminded me of a food i love thats cheap and easy to make. simple noodles with tomato sauce tho i didnt have salt to put in the water, but none the less very tastey and i could live off it just like i got my living off of spaghettios because it reminded me of ravyn.. *sigh* anywho.. felicity might stop by after she gets of school depending on how soon she leaves, she has work tonight. i work tomorrow for a whole 4 1/2 hours wow.. i was supposed to go somewhere with felicity on sunday but im not sure if we're still going. we were gonna get chinese food but i cant afford it i cant even afford my rent at this point. so im back to joining as many paid survey sites as i can and such trying to find the few that work to help me get by.

i got my raise and im rather disappointed though it was stupid to think they'd give me what i deserve. i work my ass off more then almost anyone else there other then the manager and i only got a 20 cent raise. i make a whole 6.40 an hour when i deserve like 8 or 9 an hour if not more i mean i work my ass off the whole time i'm there. *sigh* but, i don't want to try and find another job because all in all i like my job, im just screwed over by the corporation and it's fucked up. they've cut my hours enough as it is, i could have atleast gotten a decent raise, but owell. im pretty sure once dean moves ill get his shift, if that ever happens saying as originally he was gonna move in december. my hours will go back up after next week, it's just we have to cut hours a bit cuz sales drop. and the manager is trying to only cut one person's hours a week and rotate it out so we don't all get hit at once, and then once we rotate through sales should be up again so we can start putting in more hours and what not. i mean i understand that and everything. i just don't understand why i didn't get a somewhat decent raise, i got the minimum raise they give really. i mean an extra 8 dollars a week wow.. that really helps a lot. its better then nothing, but still. i feel ripped off. i mean i didn't expect to get a 50 cent raise though dean agreed i deserve it, but i thought ya know 25 or 30 cents. but owell. could be worse, atleast i have a job. lets just hope i can make the bills next month..

well its now letting me on cherry which is nifty. i worked the midnight last night. was a somewhat frustrating night, but i survived and i've had a lot worse. i hung out with felicity a girl i work with before work. we went and got food and then got in a snow fight and sat around the house chatting and such for a while. i think i may get involved in some drama now due to her bf and such, but i s'pose that's ok. might make things more interesting. she's been having issues with her bf, in other words he is a heartless bastard (ignores her often at school, doesn't try to hang out with her ever, ect.) she said he was somewhat jealous she's been hanging out with other guys, but it's like he ignores her text messeges doesn't call her back and such, and he makes plans with people other then her all the time. seems retarded to me. im supposed to go to his house on tuesday for some meeting type thingy to learn about something to make money. i dont want to go now that he's probably jealous due to me, but felicity really wants me to go so i said i would. i don't understand why she wants me to go so bad, but i told her if she wants me to i will. i'm sure i act a bit foolishly because i've been alone so long. she's the only person my age ish i've hung out with in 6 months, and i've been alone for over a year. so i'm sure she's going to think i like her, and i'm sure i'm going to almost think i do for a while. though, i'm sure it won't last long with ravyn haunting my dreams at night to make sure my heart doesn't wander too far. as she already haunted me yesturday wilst i slept to remind me. anytime i start to like someone or something she makes sure to keep me from ever being able to let myself be with them. granted i haven't started to like a whole lot of people since breaking up with ravyn. ( only two being rochelle and danielle) but, none the less. ravyn is generally there but she seems to appear in my dreams most vividly if im starting to live life a little with out her. in a way it makes me upset because im sure that she never has that issue, but then it makes me glad if i think that her memory is making sure i don't do something stupid. but at times i just don't want to care. i just want to hold someone and let myself think i love them enough to make myself strong again and more alive then ive been for so long. it brings a bit of frustration to think that she's moved on with in a month of leaving me and i'm stuck in love and knowing i'm in love with her. that she has held other guys and probably had sex with them whilst ive not so much as kissed anyone else. *sigh* i don't know what to do anymore. if i try to make things better it does nothing, and if i remain silent and wait for it to fade it doesn't. it's always the same as life seems to be. i often wish something dramatic and horrible would happen that would force me to forget all worry and do whatever is set the deepest in my heart. to throw caution to the wind and do what it most desires. to do what we would if we knew the world was going to end in a day. i want to lose control to the point of being forced to be myself and to truly know what that is, yet guard myself and keep a sense of control because my life won't allow for lack of control. i have to get to work every day on time, i have to have my mind set so i can get things done and deal with people. i can't go to work with my true emotions in my heart i wouldn't be able to function. i would probably have died a long time ago if i let the full strength of how much ive lost hit me. i donno if it's weakness not being entirely myself or an adaption and strength knowing it's the only way to survive for now until i have something that will take who i am and turn it into a strength again instead of a weakness. but, i guess i ought to sleep. just thought id write a blog since i havent in so long.,

for some reason cherry hasnt been working on my computer at home. im at my foster parents right now, eventually ill probably wipe out the computer and such and itll work again but not sure when ill get around to it. if anyone wants to contact me, my myspace is myspace.com/chancemotta and my email is contestman@hotmail.com not much is new really just work and sleep.