EveullMind's blog: "Rantings of an EVEULL Mind"

Dirty Little Secret You've got a dirty little secret But you never mention it Never do a thing about it Blank it from your mind But blank minds are quickly filled With the thoughts you thought you'd killed You can't destroy a problem Just by putting it away You think everyone suspects The truth is no one has a clue As paranoia claws at you They wonder just what's wrong It's just a secret not a problem Or that's what you want to think It's not really a big problem It doesn't drive you to the drink Not a problem -- wrists are smooth Not a problem -- pillow's dry So it isn't suicide But pain is still a fact of life You've got to come and let it out Rid yourself of aching doubt Don't control yourself for once And you might have some fun Bottling up problems only means you preserve them Let them air out, you don't deserve them Let the pain just blow away Why don't you come out and play? There's no such thing as an original problem The world always knows how to solve them Don't think that we won't understand Bring your ego down to land You decide the size of your problems Out in the open they seem much smaller The eyes of those who understand Turn mountains into grains of sand Bottling up problems only means you preserve them Let them air out cause you don't deserve them Let your pain just blow away Come on out and play You've got a dirty little secret Your soul has got a small black mark Discover the secret that everyone learns: A secret's only dirty when it's hidden in the dark.

CHANCE VS. TIME Chance passes by, & in her wake A million stares. He stands alone in a corner, Watching her float from one to another. She noticed him, He had the Devil's eyes. Both of them surrounded by others, Are attracted to each other. A subtle game, Of secret smiles & stolen glances. The rest, Surrounded in blissful ignorance. Yet another walks in to steal the spotlight, Time crosses the room & stradles him in his seat. He takes her in, But the other is not forgotten. The claim has been made, But Chance does not give up so easily. With his stare, He challenges her to make a move. She smiles and complies. Telling him what he already knows That they were ment for one another. But he does not let go of the one, Who keeps him rooted in his place. The two, Time & Chance stand speaking to one another, And illusion of relation. Time confesses her Love, Chance smiles, brutal, secret His confessions ringing in her other ear. But how could they be happy? Time in her nievete could not last long. And their unknown meetings, Inflamed the fire they refused to ignore. How easy is it to chose between Chance & Time? When they both always get what they want? Confusion is his aphrodiziac, And pain his pleasure. Chance's subtle cruelty, And Time's dillusion is heaven. But something has to happen. Chance's whisper echos through his mind, "You know it can't last, it never does." What is lost when Chance is gone, And Time becomes mundane?

A small child walks silently to you. She is so frail, no expression on her face. Your eyes meet with hers and you see such immense pain. She reaches for your hand. At first you feel the need to pull away. But curiosity gets the best of you. You lay your hand inside her tiny, cold hand. Without a word she turns, pulling you towards darkness. Her pace, steady and slow. As if she has made this journey a thousand times. Or maybe....never at all? You begin to think to yourself....."Why is she here? Why does she dwell in these shadows?" Quickly she turns to you and says in an innocent and almost "wise" sounding voice...."I am the keeper." She just as quickly turns back and begins pulling you deeper into the darkness. The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. You feel so much pain and anger in the darkness. As if it is swallowing you whole. It's as if you breathe it in with every breath you take. Suddenly you stop before a large wooden doorway. There are many locks on the door. The door is filled with deep scratches and dents. You can tell that many have tried to enter with no luck. You look down at the child....she is fidgeting with her long golden hair. You ask..."Are we supposed to try and break this door down or something?" She just smiles and softly whispers to you..."You were invited here...you may enter at any time you like." With that said she steps forward and disappears into the doorway. You look around you, you are alone in the darkness now. But how are you supposed to just walk through that door? Reluctantly you step forward, waiting to bang your face into the wood. You close your eyes, hold your breath and keep going forward. When you open your eyes you see that you indeed walked right through. The air smells musky. There is a strange chill in the air. You begin to focus in the darkness. You are in a long hallway. Almost looks never-ending. There are doors everywhere. Some covered so deeply in cobwebs that you can barely see the door anymore. The silence of the darkness before is replaced with loud chaotic noise. Car horns, cars crashing, babies crying, people arguing, screaming and shouting. You look to your right. Against the wall, the small child is leaned. Watching you silently. She whispers "Don't be afraid." and approaches you once more. "Where am I?" you ask. "She is letting you in...letting you peek. We don't get visitors here often." she says as she takes your hand once more. "What are these doors? Why are there so many that are covered in cobwebs?" you ask as you pull back at her hand, not letting her lead you away. "Those doorways are gates...to memories. HER memories. Each one has a specific purpose. Those with the cobwebs are the forgotten ones. No one ever goes into those. It just isn't allowed." With that being said she pulls harder at your hand making you follow. Suddenly you can hear a faint soft cry. A small child crying. You can feel such sorrow in her tears. It's quite strange though....you can hear her quiet cries over the loud chaos. "Who is that child crying?" you ask. "We don't go by names here, only ages. That is 9. We have to keep her locked up. Last time she was let loose....she created such chaos." You feel saddened and slightly scared but you follow the small child as she leads you further into the hallway. Not knowing what you are about to see. But curious.

Can't you see the pain in her tears? Can't you feel the fear in her shaking little touch? Can't you hear the hatred in her sweet little voice? Can't you feel her skin crawl beneath your cold sweaty clutch? It's a rape of innocense.. It's a crying shame.... It's her mind she is losing.... In your dirty little game. You've taken her childhood. You've taken her trust. You've taken her sanity... With your insanely sick lust. She begs you to stop. But you pretend not to hear. And you pretend not to see Those lonely, silent tears. It's a rape of innocense. It's a crying shame. Someone always loses When you play these little games. She grows older and stronger With each new day She wants to tell someone But what can she say? Alone in the world Without anyone to care She loads the gun Life has became to much to bare. It's a rape of innocense It's a crying shame It's time to end this Sick little game. In the darkness she sits Eyes full of tears She cant believe this has went on For this many years. Her door slams open He's came home drunk again She screams into the night "You're not my father...you're not my fucking friend!" Just like a starving animal He moves in for his feast. She cowers in a corner and prays to God "Save me from the cold hands of the BEAST!" It's a rape of innocense It's a crying shame she pulls the trigger.... END OF GAME!!

There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes... they're not. Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping.. ...waiting... And though unwanted... ...unbidden... it will stir.. ...open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

So, yeah...I am single again. Not a bad thing though. I actually like being single. Plus this last guy I dated just wasn't my type, no matter how hard I tried to make myself believe he was my type. I DO wish I would have listened to my friends though. The things that have been told to me the past couple of days by people he has went out with just amaze me. NO, I did not go asking any of them anything, but for some reason they suddenly feel the need to let me know what happened with them. Usually I don't listen to such chatter but after hearing that he used the same LINES on them as he did me, I am glad I listened. "You have my heart" .... yeah, whatever. How many women can you tell that to in a few months and actually keep a straight face? LMAO ~shakes head~ I actually wasn't pissed until these conversations happened. I was annoyed but not pissed. NOW I am pissed. There is nothing I hate worse than a liar. If a man can not be a MAN and be truthful, he just needs to keep on steppin. I guess this is why I am losing my trust in men. And I really do hate to say that. I love men! LOL But lately I have not had the best of luck with them. I need to find me a man who KNOWS how to treat a woman, works and pays his own bills, respects my relationship with my children, isn't so insecure that if I am not up his ass he thinks I am cheating, is not so jealous that a phone call from my 14 yr old cousin sets him off, is mature and not always using the "if I don't get my way, it's over" ploy, and someone who can accept me for who I am. I know, tall order there but hey, the last 2 guys I have dated have really made me look at relationships in a whole new light. Looks, they aren't a big deal. I do have certain things that catch my eye about the opposite sex, of course, but in the end, it's not what matters. I can go from lusting over a shaved head to loving some long hair on a man. I can go from getting lost in soulful brown eyes to happily staring into a set of baby blues. In the end, we all get old and wrinkly. I need more than just a good looking guy...I need someone that I can talk to for hours on end about everything. I need someone that I can just sit with and never say a word and be content. I need someone who can make me laugh on my bad days and keep me grounded on my good ones. I need someone that will love me enough that when I am upset, they will WANT to know what's wrong. I need someone who will KNOW in their heart that I am a faithful woman and trust me. I need someone who will let me have my independance and yet be my rock and shoulder to cry on. I need someone who will be TRUTHFUL even when the truth hurts. I need someone mature enough not to play games. Ya know, I am just gonna stop here, I feel like this whole blog is just pointless. I am just rambling. If you made it this far, I am sorry...LOL but thank you for reading/listening. Anyone know a guy like I just described? Anyone? LOL JK Well, maybe not. HAHAHA Seriously, I just needed to vent a little and I am buzzed as hell thanks to a good friend of mine. Hope you all are having a great weekend and Happy Fathers Day to all the dads and single moms who have had to be "dad"!!!!!

OK, This crush stuff is such a mind game. I HATE not knowing something. Drives me crazy. Someone has a crush on me and the only person I could think it was, is using his crush on his best friend (female). At least that's who I think he said he used it for. Anywho, that leaves me to wonder who it is that is crushing on me. Now, do I take this crush thing seriously? Nooooooooo of course I don't but I hate when people don't just come out and say something. Just tell me who you are!!! Does anyone else kinda feel like this crush stuff is almost stalker like? lol I have a friend on here who has 8 people who have crushes on him and it drives him nuts too. I think that after 2 weeks, cherrytap should reveal who it is. I hate secrets! HAHHAHA OK I am just rambling, I hope you know that. I am not mad about the crush, it's sweet, but I REALLY do wish I knew who it was. Cmon now, you can tell me.

So this is my first blog. Decided I might as well get this over with. I really don't have anything "deep" to be writing about tonight. So, instead, I will tell a little more about myself. I will be 38 in November...yes that makes me one of those eveull Scorpios! LOL I have 3 amazing kids. Heather, my oldest, is 20 yrs old, living on her own and going to be married October 31st 2008 to the love of her life Brian who is an amazing man! My son, Ricky, is 18 and just graduated high school. He is working in construction and just beginning his life. Amber, my youngest, is only 12 but thinks she is 21! LOL She is my mini me in so many ways. I am not your typical "soccer mom". I am a tattoo'd and pierced freak. LOL I have 6 tattoos and 6 piercings. I love horror movies...especially the sick, twisted, gorey ones! Vampire movies are my faves. I have always had a thing for vampires! I mainly listen to rock music but I have to admit to listening to a lil of it all. Country would be my least fave, probably due to growing up in Nashville. LOL I am an avid animal lover (ok pervs, don't take that the wrong way! LOL) I have a white boxer named Rhiannon who is my pride and joy. She doesn't know she is a dog though...shhhh. My daughter has a Pug named Willow whom I affectionately call Crackhead due to her stupidity. Haha I used to do reptile rescue and had many different reptiles in my home but due to the time and money it takes to do that, I gave it up. But, there is always the chance that I may have more reptiles in my home in the future. Right now, I am enjoying my new aquarium and the strange fish I seem to put in it. LMAO I am not "goth" or "emo" or any of those other groups you may want to group me into. I am a unique individual with no labels that apply to me. I am ME, take it, or leave it.