subAngelmyst's blog: "BDSM"

7 Pleasing Characteristics Of A Submissive by Lapp Topp Copyright© 1997 by Lapp Topp These are some characteristics *I* like to see in my submissive, and try my best to give when I submit. YMMV... 1. Honesty. This is very important to me. Without honesty, there can be no trust. Without trust D/s is nothing. On a safety note, be truthful in your desires, experience, fears and limits. I have seen many submissives tell "little" lies thinking it will make them more desirable. It usually ends up getting them hurt. If you have questions about what your Dom/me desires or expects, be honest and speak up. There is nothing wrong with asking questions respectfully, and is much preferable to looking ignorant. Remember, all Dom/mes are different. Don't assume because one wants you to wear stockings that another will enjoy them. Ask what he expects you to wear, how he expects you to act, what he prefers to be called, etc. 2. Submissiveness. While I enjoy the occasional SAM, I prefer my subs to submit. I want them to surrender their will to me. I like them to be polite, compliant, and to show me the respect I have earned. There is nothing that turns me off faster than a submissive trying to top from the bottom, or manipulate the scene. A polite, respectful "Mistress, if it pleases you, I would enjoy being spanked." is going to make that happen much sooner than intentional misbehavior. 3. Intelligence. Make intelligent choices about who you submit to, and how deep your submission goes. If it is a relationship situation, get to know the person as a friend before you consider submitting. If it is scene-play, get references and follow safety rules, watch them Top others, or play in the presence of people who can watch out for you. Out of role, intelligence goes a long way. Think, and share those thoughts with your Dom/me. Take time to find out what he is interested in, and get to know more on the subject. Keep up on current events and trends and be able to discuss them. Perhaps take up some of the same hobbies as your Dom/me. These are good relationship skills...be it vanilla or D/s. 4. Service. Find out what makes your Dom/me happy, and do your best to provide. It is your job to make your Dominant happy. If you will be serving him food, find out what he likes to eat, and how he likes it served. Find out what his turn-on and turn-offs are. If it is your responsibility to set things up for the scene, find out what he requires, and have everything handy. Don't be sloppy in your service, and don't make your Top have to tell you a preference more than once. If I have to tell a sub two times that I like my coffee with cream and sugar, it gives me the impression that she is not thinking, or just doesn't care. This is not at all pleasing. Put some thought and creativity into your service. Listen when he tells you his fantasies and dreams, and try to fulfill his desires. Be observant. If you have the chance, study his surroundings for clues on the type of things he enjoys. Does he have candles sitting out? Make sure you have some at your place, too. What kind of toiletries does he use? Buy them and have them ready for him when he visits. What does he like to drink? Make sure you keep it on hand. 5. Communication. Contrary to what some believe, Dominants are not psychics. It is frustrating to have to try and figure out everything that pushes your sub's buttons. I would much rather have my sub tell me her fantasies so I can store the info to use when I choose, than have to guess. I don't like to play with subs that constantly say "Whatever pleases you, Mistress". If she is not enjoying it, chances are I won't be enjoying it, either. Admittedly, I am occasionally selfish, and enjoy only what I want, but not 100% of the time. 6. Self Respect. Value yourself. There is no thrill in dominating a doormat, or someone that thinks so little of themselves they will submit to anyone at anytime. 7. Patience. I have often been told that patience is the mark of a good submissive. I have also been told that this is something I need to work on. I guess I will have to get back to you on this one. I do know that the best things are worth waiting for, and pushy, demanding submissives are really not submissives at all. So, patience is something I am slowly learning. Perhaps someone could help me out with this? K~~ Copyright© 1997 LappTopp@aol.com

SUBMISSIVE vs SLAVE This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized by a great number of the people that I converse with. First I would like to make a point. Language at it's best shifts from area to area. Within this one continent we have many variations or dialects of usage. This can be seen in terms like sweeper meaning vacuum cleaner etc. So, many words used within a community can mean different things to different people based on the 'age' of the person, their background and the common usage of the area they live in. The submissive is a volunteer. The slave is not a volunteer. This is the core and substantial difference between the two terms. Within the BDSM community this can be interpreted in this way. The submissive individual may be lightly, moderately or heavily submissive. The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena's. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship. Other submissives will have a more moderate (this is the largest group) approach, a stronger desire to submit for longer periods of time with fewer restrictions, limitations and requirements. A small percentage of submissives will be heavily submissive. They desire and look for a full time partner to live with on a full time basis. Their nature is to seek to express their submission as often as possible with the fewest restrictions upon their chosen Dominant as possible. Generally their list of limitations, rules and requirements may be verbal, short and flexible. Additionally there is the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts. This person is willing to submit only so far as to address their personal needs. Their orientation toward 'serving' the other person is almost nonexistent. They will have a list of personal needs and requirements and in large part do not care who fills them. These persons tend to be called the "DO ME" subs. In my opinion they are not submissives at all, not having the basic criteria of a 'desire to serve for the pleasure of another' that is the fundamental trait I identify as submissive and Dominant. For me personally, the 'do me sub' in my eyes is a vanilla person with a kink fetish desire. There is one other category that needs to be mentioned here. This is the terminology of bottom and masochist. In general terms a bottom is not necessarily submissive but a person who enjoys scening from the bottom position. This bottom may or may not consider themselves to be a submissive, many consider themselves to be neither submissive nor Dominant but more accurately a switch. You will note that I do not consider a bottom to be a 'do me sub', their attitude, orientation and motivation are distinctly different. In my opinion they are usually very open and honest about the submissive aspect and by virtue of that fall into their own category. I have scened with many bottoms and found them to be excellent for demo's, workshops and to help out or assist where multiple persons are useful for the fulfillment of a scene. The masochist also plays in here, a masochist is a person that enjoys pain being inflicted upon them. They do not need to be submissive at all, (similar to a bottom). However, many submissives are strongly masochistic. The masochist also is sometimes called a 'pain slut', they generally are most similar to a bottom in clarifying their distinctions from the label or identification of submissive. This form of honesty is what in my opinion makes both of these choices valid. The SLAVE ~ The slave is beyond the last level of the submissive. The slave vacates limits. To be a slave is to offer of self fully and without reservation. From my perspective very few individuals fall into this category. Those that do, that I know personally are generally with their Dominant for a very long period of time. Trust has been long ago established, limits and range discovered and a relationship of personal strength has emerged which allows the submissive to transcend to this level. This is a level without safewords, without limits. The slave lives with their Dominant on a full time basis and may or may not have a life external of serving their mate. The slave generally selects a Dominant with parallel limits. By this I mean that the final action of trust is the vacating of set limits. In order to do this the individual must fundamentally know that their partner shares the same 'natural' or 'inviolate' limits as they do. A Dominant has limits just like a submissive. That which falls within their natural range and desire is their arena. Many people use the term 'slave' interchangeably with submissive. I myself enjoy calling my sub's 'slaves' because it thrills them. However, I know in truth that they are not slaves, they fall within the field of the submissive. A submissive without choice (limit's - safewords) becomes a slave. They have passed that final threshold of personal trust. One final thing to really confuse things. I have a category which I call the 'Authentic Submissive', I also call these persons 'full out or true Submissives'. This is the submissive who is auto responsive. When in top space they can and may appear to be at any level of the submissive listed above. Upon entering sub-space they lose the ability to do anything but obey. This is an automatic response. They are unable to control the response. It has been my lifelong opinion that these submissives are the 'natural slaves', they have a capacity and range far exceeding the non-auto-responsive submissive. By the way, when I find one of these quite rare authentic submissives, I am instinctively very protective of them. They are the most vulnerable members of this community. Ok, to address a few more misconceptions. There is sometimes rampant discussion on the who is real question. Any person who states that they are submissive, switch or Dominant should be taken at their word until through action, word or deed they demonstrate otherwise. Respect is not given by virtue of having any aspect but is earned or inspired by consistent action, word or deed. The amount, number, placement, design of brandings, piercings, tattoo's etc. can but do not necessarily identify any individual by virtue of in community status. These ornamentation's are used across the entirety of the community and can be seen upon any individual regardless of Dominant or submissive status. The easiest way to discover a person's placement within the community, be it through gender, sexual orientation, top, bottom, sideways etc... is to politely ask them. You can simply say, "What way would you prefer to be addressed?" This offers the individual the choice to tell you what they prefer so that you will not appear discourteous. By the way...courtesy is the key. You are not required to respect any unknown person. You are required to use common courtesy. Additionally, there is no right or wrong to being or believing yourself to be anything. It is not better to be one thing or the other and people should not be discriminated against for those choices they make. I offer common respect to all persons until and unless they take an action that I find disrespectful. At that point I generally elect to have no further converse with them. One final note. There is what is loosely called a 'submissive network'. This network is a system which has existed probably since the origination of the SSC credo (safe, sane and consensual), wherein submissives within a community share information. This becomes important if you are a new person. A Dominant is only as good as the reputation they maintain within their local community. There are persons within this community who use the label Dominant, Top and even Sadist to cover their activities of non-consensual abuse. If you encounter someone who is abusive or breaks the SSC credo. Identify them in their local community. This is in real life. If you are a Dominant and you encounter a submissive who is unbalanced (mentally), by this I mean erratic, violent, abusive...share this information as neutrally as possible with the other Dominant's in your locale who may encounter this submissive. There are some persons who call themselves submissive who will turn after a scene and accuse the Dominant of abuse. Generally they have not dealt with prior, long term or life long experiences with abuse. You are not required to medically diagnose, just be open and honest. Submissives also live by their local reputation. When encountering or beginning a new relationship be honest about any occurrences which may reflect poorly on your reputation. Establishment of trust requires this. A Dominant may be accused of abuse and a submissive accused of being cracked or insane without substantiation. Imput the information and take the time to get to know the individual before making a judgment!

D/s vs Gor We have often times heard people say that D/s is not Gor. Just because a person is Gorean does not mean they have to be into D/s. To be of Gor, one must only possess the beliefs and practices that are present in the Gorean philosophy. And just because one owns a slave, that does not mean that they practice the Gorean protocol. A person can be Gorean without owning a slave. In fact, there are actually very few slaves on the planet Gor. The majority of people are freepersons. It is the behavior and preferences that a person exhibits and practices that makes them Gorean. Of course here on Earth, almost all Doms, Gorean or otherwise seem to have slaves or are looking to own one. But the Gor Masters do not consider themselves simply practicing D/s. A Gorean slave, or kajira, is owned property, not a submissive. In D/s, the Master/slave relationship is the deepest level of commitment and trust. The slave is owned completely and submits to her Master, body, mind and soul. She belongs to Him, and will obey without question or hesitation. She is His property to love, use and whip as it pleases Him. When looking at D/s in this perspective, it would appear that the Master/slave relationship runs parallel and could be interchanged with the Gorean Master/kajira. How many times has it been heard from a sub or slave, that they need a Dom or Master who will love, respect, treasure and nurture them? The words I am hearing are those that have the sub/slave's interest at heart. Her slavery is considered a gift to her Master. Her Master will love and satisfy her, His role being to fulfill the needs of His slave. Although I strongly recommend a slave looking for a Master who possesses the same ideals in the relationship as she needs and wishes for, this is where the true Gorean Master can sometimes be considered in a whole other dimension. It would also be good to remember that the terms Dom/sub are not the same as Master/slave. The relationships are completely different. Unlike the Dom/sub relationship, the slave has no desires, limits, rights or safewords except those which her Master allows of her. Now, lets take a closer look at the Gorean Master and slave. To a Gor Master, this Dom/sub relationship is the opposite of the proper protocol. Whether or not the slave has needs is not necessarily His care or concern. If He so chooses to fulfill His slave's needs, it is strictly because it pleases Him to do so. If it does not please Him, then the slave will remain unsatisfied. This is not to say that the Gorean Master cannot love and cherish His slave. Many Masters, espescially those of Earth do. But it is more important how well the slave fulfills her Master's needs that determines her value to Him. She may ask to express her wishes and feelings to Him, but He does not have to listen or allow her to speak if He so pleases. The slave must accept His decision, without argument, or defiance of any type. Some hard core Gorean Masters, have no concerns other than their own. If it pleases Him to whip His slave, He will do so, sometimes mercilessly, whether there is a reason or not. He takes His pleasure from her, and she submits totally, regardless of her whims or desires. He may choose to cavort with other women, or make His slave perform with other men. And she will perform well, or suffer severe punishment. Her feelings are of no concern to Him, only His fulfillment and pleasure, for she is merely property. If the slave fails to obey or please, her Master may discipline, sell or even kill her. On Earth this type of behavior would raise eyebrows to say the least. You are certainly not allowed to kill your slave. Family and friends would rally to her defense, protesting the coldness and cruelty. The laws and courts would be quick to step in and act in her defense. But on Gor, such behavior would not even be noticed. It is an everyday common practice with no thought being given to it. The slave has no rights, no action of recourse, and would gain sympathy from no one. She is simply a slave, her Master's property to do with as He wishes. However, we do not live on Gor. It is only a fantasy world. But there are people out there who favor the Gorean philosophy. If one wishes to be in a Gorean Master/slave relationship, then they must follow the basic context of the Gorean ways. They must possess the desire to be Gorean by nature. Albeit here on Earth, there are limits which must be adhered to, and many which are wisely agreed upon by both parties before entering a relationship of this type. Desires and wishes must be compatible especially in a Gor Master/kajira relationship, due to the complete control that the slave must relinquish to the one she has decided with whom to submit. Once she has begged and been granted His ownership, she had better hope, moreover know, that His wishes will be ones with which she can live. For even though as a slave she may indeed be loved, respected and nurtured, it is done because it fulfills His needs and pleases Him to do so. Her submission is not a gift. She has made her last and final choice. Now she is His to do with as He pleases, which may or may not include loving, respecting or nurturing. One final point of thought: on Gor, if a slave decides not to endure her submission and flee, she may be hunted down and even killed. Luckily on Earth, she is free to walk away. The laws will provide her protection. A wise Master will allow her to leave, knowing that she did not have what it took to fulfill his Gorean pleasures. Both partners will be better off realizing and accepting this in the long run. For a would be slave must seriously realize, that a Gor Master will decide on His own requirements and ideals, and He will also set them for His slave. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The difference between a submissive and a slave is not always clear cut and is often the subject of controversy within the lifestyle. In general, a submissive maintains a certain distance from her Master and retains some freedoms and a slave gives her all as well as her freedoms to her Master. This discussion is about what elements make a submissive or a slave. They may not necessarily agree with what a person calls themselves. Often one finds individuals that call themselves a slave, when a submissive would be a better title and sometimes one sees a person described as a submissive that is more akin to a slave. I am not sure that the term Total Power Exchange (TPE) can be applied to a consensual slave. In normal cases, it seems impossible to have a TPE in a real world non forced slavery relationship and it is unusual in forced slavery cases. TPE seems to involve fantasy more than reality. In a true TPE relationship, it would mean that any order a Dominant could think of would have to be obeyed by the slave without question. For example, A Master could say, "I hate my neighbor, go get a gun and shoot him". Like it or not in the real world there are restrictions on TPE. Very often the following restrictions, what some would call ethical boundaries, are a reality of a Master/slave relationship and are often documented in the slave contract. The slave does not have to obey commands that: a. conflict with any existing laws and may lead to fines, arrest, or prosecution of the slave b. may cause extreme damage to slave's life, such as losing her job, causing family stress, etc c. may cause permanent bodily harm to the slave d. may cause psychological trauma to the slave, such as a rape scene for a slave that has been raped in the past In my opinion, these restrictions placed on the authority of a Master do not weaken the Master/slave relationship, but reflect the reality of modern life. This is not a new concept in slave ownership because in the past many societies that endorsed slavery had restrictions on how a slave could be treated by the owner. One can look in the Bible to see examples of these restrictions. In the 1850’s a famous case in Polk County, TN involved the prosecution of a Master that mistreated his slaves. So the concept of TPE is not necessarily realistic in the modern concept of consensual slavery or in forced slavery. Today, slavery within the lifestyle has NO relationship to the forced slavery of the past. Any slave can, if she chooses, execute her free will and leave the relationship, this is a reality. Yes, the objective is to train the slave to where she emotionally needs her Master and is attached to him and her slavery to a point where leaving her Master is unthinkable, but many Master/slave relationships end. Many end at the slave's request instead of the Master's request. So, any discussion of slave vs. submissive must be within the framework of the above restrictions imposed by modern life. A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will. A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times. A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience. In my opinion, a submissive retains freedom of choice and a slave gives her freedom of choice to her Master. A submissive makes a choice to give her submission in a limited fashion, for a defined period of time and under certain conditions. A submissive can have a long-term relationship with a Master, but still retains certain controls. However, many are satisfied with casual role-play without any long-term goals. Training may or may not be involved between a Dominant and a submissive. A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship. These conditions, rules and limits usually define time, place and activity. It is not unusual for a submissive to start the relationship with rules and limits and release some or all of them as trust, respect and love for her Master grows. In fact, it’s a good practice when starting any new relationship. One should enter the relationship by giving only the amount of power that she feels safe in giving. The decision to become a slave should be postponed until both the Dominant and submissive know each other and trust each other. A submissive can and often does role-play during an agreed to period of time with a Master. During this period the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive. The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission. One definition of a slave vs. a submissive is based upon the focus of the submissive. If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, and then you are a slave. I am not sure that this is a complete definition for each one; however it is one dividing line between the two. Being a submissive does not always involve: 1) A long-term commitment 2) Devotion to a Master 3) Obedience 4) Focus on the needs and desires of a Master Again, there is no need to rush into slavery. One should start out as a submissive and get to know and trust her Master first. Slavery is not for all submissives. If a submissive is unable or unwilling to accept slavery, for what ever reason, that is no great crime. Each person has to determine their needs and focus within the lifestyle. Slavery calls for a higher level of commitment and of serving, obeying and pleasing than submission. Slavery is the complete commitment of a slave’s body, mind, soul, and spirit. She submits to the will of her Master. His choices become her choices. Obedience is a major focus in her life. A slave has made a "choice decision." The "choice decision" she makes is to give her choices to her Master. Consent and obedience are always assumed to be part of slavery. Communication, mutual understanding and trust grow to the point to where it is no longer play but part of her life. A slave is owned all the time by her Master regardless of time, place or activity. She is owned by her Master when she is out of his presence. Trust in her Master and surrender to him is the starting point to slavery. Slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will. This is slavery by choice, not forced slavery. She decides to give her freedoms to her Master. She becomes a slave because she needs, desires and wants to serve, obey and please her Master at all times and in all ways, not because she is forced into slavery. Of course, there will be times when a slave will be forced to do some things, but it will not be something that goes against who she is as a person. Master’s often push limits and expand obedience in order to help a slave grow and increase her service to him. slaves become accustom to obedience and find joy and peace in it. A successful Master/slave relationship always involves happiness. Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him. A slave is re-socialized and re-educated by her Master to serve, obey and please him. Her attention is on his happiness. A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave. She gives him authority over her needs and happiness. However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings. The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave. This does not happen overnight, it is a process of growing into slavery. A slave does NOT give up thinking and reasoning and become mindless. This is the biggest misconception of slavery. It is a false charge that has been leveled at slaves mostly by cyber-subs and part time players as self-justification for their lack of total commitment. If a cyber-sub can make a slave look mindless then she can justify why she is better than a totally committed slave and supplies a reason why she calls herself a submissive. She reasons that "Naturally a good Master would not want a mindless slave; they surely would want a thinking cyber-sub instead." It’s a late addition to lifestyle thinking and only stated by some submissives. Generally, well informed submissives that feel secure in the lifestyle don’t try to blast slaves. It’s usually "wannabes." One never hears a knowledgeable Master refer to a slave as mindless, because he knows better. He also knows that she is more straightforward and much more useful than any cyber-sub. Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities. A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her. Most slaves use their skills and talents within the Master/slave relationship to advance it and the wellbeing of their lifestyle. Most Master’s encourage this. Often Masters feel more at ease in using a slave to manage a project than they would a submissive. Throughout history slaves have been given responsibilities that require thought, planning and decision making, there is no reason to discontinue this practice in modern times where there is consensual slavery instead of forced slavery. Consensual slavery involves devotion, caring and obedience; why not take advantage of these traits in a slave as well as her knowledge and skills. As stated above, the word "doormat" is often used by wannabes and cyber-subs to describe slaves. My definition of "doormat" would be that of a person that is used by another person for their own benefit without regard for that persons feelings, growth, or well being. A Master assumes responsibility for his slave’s body and well-being and is always concerned about the development and mental well being of his slave. She is his property and he has no reason to destroy his property. In fact, he has a great interest in her development. Percentage wise, which is more likely to be used as a "doormat", a slave or a submissive that has a casual meeting with a Dominant? One often hears "A slave has NO voice in the relationship." This is another misconception of slavery. Often, a Master with common sense will seek the opinion of a slave before making a decision in many areas. It’s impossible to find a slave that does not have more knowledge in some areas than does her Master. In areas where she has experience, knowledge and training, it would be foolish for him not to seek her advice before reaching a decision. In addition, it’s often better to bounce your ideas off someone else before reaching a final decision. A good slave will welcome the chance to aid her Master by offering an intelligent opinion. A slave has input into many of the decision making processes that are required in life, but the Master makes the final decision. Slavery is NOT an escape from life. Past, present and future problems don’t magically disappear into the night never to be seen again. For example, past credit card debts don’t disappear, but a Master may plan repayment and place his slave on a budget. Slavery is a completion of a slave’s natural feelings and needs, not an escape. A slave enjoys submission and, over time, that submission becomes deep enough to elicit feelings of being owned or fully controlled by her Master. Not all submissives become slaves, but all slaves are submissive. Slavery always requires a long-term commitment by the slave to her Master and she is owned at all times. Slavery always requires obedience. A friend in response to reading a draft of this article stated in an email to me that she didn't know how many people start out as slaves, but in her opinion it is a process of "becoming a slave." One starts as a submissive and over time grows into slavery. I fully agree with this statement. There appears to be no right or wrong way, one can be a slave or submissive. It depends on the needs and desires of the individuals involved. Some Masters don't want a slave and some don't want a submissive. In addition, depending on the personality of the person, some submissives will never be a slave and some slaves would never be happy as a submissive. It is a choice that one must make in their life. Additional resources on the subject of submissive vs. slave: http://www.steel-door.com/Submissive_vs_slave.html http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Canal/9911/slave.html http://www.dungeonrealm.com/difference2.html http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/TPE/to_be_a_slave.htm http://www.lifestylers.org.uk/subvslave/ http://www.cheetah.net/~eclectic/sparkle/slave.html x

An Article About "Daddy Doms" by Kendra about Daddy Doms...I mentioned the term Daddy Dom in a chat room the other day and was greeted by a resounding Yuk! It got me thinking about the misconceptions surrounding this aspect of D/s. I realize most think that it involves a father/daughter relationship. That isn't quite true, Daddy/little girl is a much different level. I do not know if I can explain what I mean so I will simply talk about what a Daddy Dom is to me. First I should say that in my relationship my Dom is not my father, he is nothing like my father, and I have no need for him to replace my father. He is however my Daddy. We do not engage in age play specifically ( beyond the occasional school girl fantasy *s*) and our relationship is not based on any need to have sex with children. I am always all woman, and always a very independent woman. He does have the ability to make me feel like a little girl, however, a very cherished and sometimes needy little girl. It is a feeling that I revel in, it is the safest place I have ever been, and it allows me the freedom to be all that I am without fear of reprisals. So..what makes a Daddy Dom? First and foremost he loves his little girl. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him. Seeing her hurt however is not something a Daddy Dom wants. He sees it as his job to protect her, both from the outside world and herself. He may love to cause her great pain in a scene, but he hates to be the one to hurt her emotionally. It hurts him to have to punish her , but he knows it is sometimes necessary. This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined. A Daddy Dom knows the value of discipline, though at times his soft heart gets the best of him. He knows that in order for his little girl to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises. He knows this hurts her, and that tears at his heart, but he also knows it is for her own good. A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive..acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn't matter. To him she is beautiful. Many of you may be asking what separates a Daddy Dom from any other Dom. In most cases very little. Hopefully they all provide love, strength, protection, discipline, and acceptance. I have heard Daddy Doms described as a kinder, gentler, Dom. I like that definition though I know it won't apply to all. I guess when it really comes down to it I can't explain it. There is something infinitely magical about a Daddy Dom. Perhaps it is something only a little girl can understand. Daddy/little girl does not refer to the ages, real or pretend, of the participants. Nor does it imply closet desires. It refers to the environment that two people have created. A Daddy Dom is so named because of the qualities he possesses and the service he provides. So, what are these qualities? What is a Daddy Dom? A Daddy Dom wants to be the center of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mold you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who, in his mind, can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. How does he achieve his goals? Through love, respect, and discipline. His love for his little girl goes without saying. He accepts every part of her and works to emphasize the good while improving the bad. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. It is this love that allows him to train her. He could not invest so much of himself in someone he did not love completely. This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel great pride in his possession. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it's value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him. He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust she must know he means what he says. He must constantly deepen her respect for him. If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He needs to empower her as much as he wants to possess her and it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect. The discipline is also important when it comes to her protection, both from those outside the relationship and those within. He is the one who makes the decisions about how she will relate to the world in general and his discipline ensures that she follows these rules. I think most Doms have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in their submissive's life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it's participants crave. authored by "Kendra" as indicated on subspace.cc

This is a posted conversation from another website, I found the advice and support to be very good and wanted to share it with my sister subs for future ref... quote: ORIGINAL: Imsosly4u it has been almost a year and i've yet to see my Master face to face. when i have talked to Him about this, He says that i have to earn it, okay, i have completed every task and am still waiting. How long is to long? i never was seeking an internet Dom, and that was not supposed to be how would be. I scanned through the other replies... I waited a long time to meet my former dominant, longer than a year. He was not married, but it did not work out anyways, he was not just economically able to go there, and it ended up with me hurt even though we managed to take it into the real world. My thoughts echo some others here, and knowing what I went through in my situation I would guess that perhaps you are very attached. I would tell him that I no longer considered him my master and was looking for others because it is taking too long and you need someone who will be in the real world with you. If he rejects you for that then he is not even your friend. If he accepts this as what you need and remains your friend perhaps in the future when he gets his own affairs in order it could be more. What I learned from my situation is this: If someone is not meeting my needs it is up to me to find a situation in which my needs are met. If someone is not commiting to me then they have no right to expect a commitment in return, to call him your master infers ownership, how can someone who owns you not have even met you or fill even your most basic human needs? I do not think you want to give yourself so cheaply to someone you have never met, I did the same thing, so no I do not think you are crazy, but in the future you will not let yourself get this attached to someone who has not even seen your face or touched you.. it is just too painful The feelings I felt for this person in my past were real feelings, I felt that way when we were together in the real world too, but my needs were still not met. I let go of that relationship and embraced a new one in which my needs are being met and I feel loved and cared for. This is a real life thing, not an internet thing, so there are men that will be appropriate for you. I would just advise you not to put all your eggs in one virtual basket again, and date many men until the right person comes along that is willing to be there for you. _____________________________ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, .., it is not proud...it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails 1st Cor 13.4

This wasnt written by me but thought it held some very good information in it ......... Some Thoughts About Submission by jade What is submission? Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means. Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon, complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of what it's all about. Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile. So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply. Why does anyone do this? If you asked a hundred people you'd probably get a hundred different answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go beyond my ability to understand. Based on my experience I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive. Please understand that these are my OWN definitions and not some standard issued by the D/s community. 1. The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control. 2. The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences. 3. The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their dominant. Which one is right? All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs. My soul yearns to be able to let somebody else take control, to be able to not have to make decisions, to not be concerned about what errors I'm going to make. - Slave V. Different Loving - by Brame, Brame and Jacobs - Villard Books Chapter 4, page 72. My Own Awakening I recall so well those unnamed feelings I had from the time I could remember. There was always something different about the way I reacted to authority and the natural instincts I had when it came to the desire to please people. I didn't understand it but I sensed there was something about me that set me apart from some of my friends and playmates. As I grew older these feelings never went away even though I tried to pushed them deep inside me because I was afraid of them. I intuitively knew that these feelings made me very vulnerable to anyone who wanted to take advantage of my nature. Although I tried to ignore or hide this nature, it still worked its way into my life in many ways. I was always willing to give more, expect less, try harder and take so little in all the relationships I had with people, especially when it came to those involving my heart. After a few disastrous relationships I was finally forced to take a deep look inside myself to see what made me tick. What I saw were those very things I'd felt so long ago. The day I met another person who understood what I was feeling was a day I'll never forget. This dear, wonderful, submissive lady explained so many things I asked about and I found out that there were others just like me. It wasn't some awful secret I had to keep hidden from the world. What I felt had a name and for the first time I didn't feel like I was some kind of freak of nature. I felt like I'd been let out of a prison and was free to fly for the first time in my life. I was a submissive and it was okay to be who I was. Being submissive may have put chains on my body, but it has removed my soul from bondage. The Loving Dominant - John Warren - Masquerade Books, Inc. Chapter 4, page 62. To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities. Some Different Terms I'd like to bring up another "touchy" subject to some lifestylers and that is the difference between BDSM and D/s. BDSM has been defined as B-D-S-M with the "B-D" being bondage/discipline, the "D-S" meaning dominance/submission and the "S-M" for sadism/masochism. Some consider all these terms to be interchangeable definitions and activities but I think it's very misleading to most novices. D/s does not fit in with the other terms for one major reason. Domination/submission is a description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace activities that are based on giving or receiving pain. So what separates the masochist from the submissive? My answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of personalities. A SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves or challenges their dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly striving to improve their behavior in order to please their dominant by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one has relinquished to their dominant. Is one better than the other? No, not to anyone but the people in the relationship. Just keep in mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish control. Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight. * Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait. 1,2 * Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships. 3 * Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people. 3 * Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain. 5 * Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals. 3,5 * Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them. 5 * Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature. 5 * Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity. 5 * Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart. 4 Submissive (sub) A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than anyone else. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns - Miller and Devon - Mystic Rose Books Chapter 1, page 11. Reality or Fantasy? Far too many people have formed their ideas about submission and submissives from such books as "Story of O" by Pauline Réage, "The Beauty Trilogy" by Ann Rice, or the Gorean novels by John Norman. While these books may be interesting works and very erotic to many, they are not a true picture of what the D/s lifestyle is about. While many may have experienced the first stirrings of submissive feeling while reading these books, fantasies such as "O" or "Beauty" don't work well as a lifestyle. D/s is far more than a fantasy. It's a way of life where many find fulfillment and peace for the first time in their lives. If you have these feelings and have often felt alone or overwhelmed by them I hope it gives you a bit of comfort to know you're in good company. There are others just like you who are healthy, happy and functional individuals that are quite content to be called "submissive." Come and explore the information you will find on this site and learn what it is that makes you tick. You just might find you've found yourself somewhere along the way. Copyright©1997 Castle Realm

By Mistress Matisse Having three people in a happy, perfectly balanced sexual relationship is often regarded as the Holy Grail of polyamory. But in Arthurian legend, Galahad, the guy who actually reached the Grail, was a virgin who led a sinless life. Let that serve as an example of the difficulty and sacrifices usually required to make one's triad dreams come true. Got the hots for one of those strictly monogamous people? Yeah, they're like puppies—really cute, but often a whole lot of trouble. They either toy with you until they get another mono partner, or worse yet, they'll try to make you be monogamous, too. Being poly means seeing all the good movies at least twice—once with each partner. It also means you'll baffle restaurant servers if you frequently take your partners to the same places for dinner, either separately or all three of you together. It's not uncommon for poly people to write down specific agreements they make with lovers—about things like safer sex, relationship boundaries, etc.—so that everyone is clear about exactly what's been agreed to. Sometimes people sign those agreements and call them a contract. However, it would be a mistake to think that just because a piece of paper exists, one's partner is barred from expressing anxiety, hurt, or anger about any of those topics. One does meet up with the odd Republican in poly social circles, but polyamorous people are often rather liberal, especially in Seattle. Thus, poly people do not compete for status and sexual attention via dick size or bust size, but rather through a process I call the Social-Awareness Olympics. Pity the fool who owns a pair of Nikes, makes a less-than-laudatory remark about labor unions, or admits disliking tofu. Yes, yes, you know all your partner's partners and they're all very nice people. Get an STD test anyway. And be aware that an unplanned pregnancy gets even more interesting when a woman has been sleeping with several men. Never use the word "lovestyle." Ever. Being poly is a crash course in time management and coordinating social schedules. Luckily, many poly people are total gadget fetishists who enjoy employing Google Calendar, PDAs, and text messages to decide who's sleeping where, and with whom, next Tuesday. Question: Even if you only fuck people of the opposite gender, does being poly make you queer, in the social/political sense? Answer: Sometimes. There are queer aspects to poly relationships, but straight poly people still get hetero privilege, and unless one consciously examines and rejects that, it's presumptuous to label oneself queer. If you can keep only one agreement with your poly partner, let it be this one: When you say, "it's fine," really mean that it's fine. Nothing sucks more than not knowing if you can take your partner at their word, or if you're going to walk into a shitstorm when you come home from a date with someone else. Sparing someone you love that uncertainty is nothing less than noble. It is unethical to knowingly enter into a relationship as someone's secondary partner and then start bitching because you don't get the same rights and privileges as the primary. Seek your own primary partner for that. Another dictum from the Sexual-Outlaw Language Police: Polyamorous is an adjective, not a noun. You are a poly person, but you are not "a poly." Even if you and your partner say you don't have veto power over each other's other lovers, you actually do. You can veto with your feet, by leaving the relationship. You don't absolutely have to read comic books or science-fiction/fantasy novels to be poly. But if you are not the least bit familiar with the works of Joss Whedon, Robert Heinlein, and JK Rowling, then a lot of poly people's conversational references are going to go over your head. I have learned a lot about poly over the years, but frankly, a lot my experiences and the resulting lessons can be boiled down to one crude but pithy rule that I adhere to religiously: Don't stick your dick in crazy. Great thanks to Diva and Daddy for the info.. made me think.

My heart aches each moment we are apart. My body yearns for you to use it and be pleased by it. My soul wishes you to own it. My skin awaits your next touch. My ears anticipate your next command. My heart requests you approval and pride in me. My lips present themselves for your kiss. My eyes love to see you fill with pride when I do as you wish. My full person desires you to engulf me totally, making me a part of you, making me yours in every way today, tomorrow and always. I AM YOURS MASTER Written by Sweet Sultry Sub

slave needs Master please..... Look into this girl's heart. Listen beyond the silence and hear it call out to You. Take her beyond the realm of herself. Show her what You desire. Lift her high by placing her at Your feet. Teach her Your ways, Your hopes, Your dreams, Your wishes. Command her spirit, set it free to live as You desire. Consume her soul as You place Your invisible chains around her. Let her hear the firmness of Your voice as You transport her elsewhere. Wrap the bonds tightly, keep her close. Challenge her to meet Your needs. Take her into the darkness where she may see its beauty. Let her serve You with all that she is, in any manner You require. Bind her tightly where she may feel the strength of Your touch. This slave is Yours and the need is great.