babyjessraiders Club FAR's blog: "My husband"

I gave my heart to this guy and did not know the messure's of our love for each other. After four kids and the death of one I think why keep fighting when we have drifted so far apart. I know I love him he's my best friend but we have both so much changed. And I seek for that specail thing that was once there. When you have to paint on a fake smile to get threw your day cause your minds on another you know you need to do some soul searching. I have done nothing but cry myself to sleep knowing that I have to be the one to make the final decision on what I wanna do even if it's too late to make things right.

I sit and wonder what that some one is doing and think about who their talking to and wondering in my own heart if I can find that love that used to be there for my husband instead of being filled with all this hatred towards him. I blame myself and him for where I went wrong and hold back on what my heart tells me cause I keep telling myself it will get better and that one day I will wake up and that love will just be there as it was once before but then I have given a part of my self to two other people one is my best friend and knows me better then I know myself and the other is just haunting at me to break up what my kids know of as a home. He's not stalking me or anything but he is a constant memory that ways heavy on my mind. Then there is then again the one that is my friend and no matter what shape or size or skin color or ethnicity he is he is my best friend almost like he's been the one I married and knows when I just need to be listened to. I hate wondering where they are and who they could be talkin to. Then I wonder will I find that love that was once there for the man I married. He deserves so much better but stands by my side and lets me do what I have to do to be happy. He puts his heart and feelings on the line but I just cant seem to do the same. I hold a grudge and cant let go even though I have tried. Lord help me.

I realized something today I was talking to this guy I found I liked him more then I wanted to I opened my heart and let some one in and that on a norm for me dont happen. I hate getting attached to people cause all they do is get hurt. I fell for a guy and broke his heart. I feel like such an ass cause usually its a chick pouring out her story about how a dude is the dumb ass. I have tried to appologize and its too late for that.

IT SEEMS AS IF EVERY TIME I PUT MY HEART OUT ON THE LINE I GET HURT. LOSING A HUSBAND OF FIVE YEARS AND SOMEONE ELSE THAT UNDERSTANDS ME AND KNOWS ME BETTER THEN THE BACK OF MY HAND ALL I HAVE LOOKED FOR IS AN ESCAPE FOR MY PAIN. I SEEM TO FALL FOR LOSERS AND ITS LIKE I HAVE A STICKY POST IT ON MY HEAD THAT SAY HEY IM A LOSER MAGNET PAY ATTENTION TO ME. I'M TIRED OF DEALING WITH THE DRAMA I JUST WANT AN ESCAPE OUT AND A WAY TO MAKE THE PAIN GO WAY. I HAVE THIS HATERED FOR A MAN THAT HAS DONE NOTHING WORNG AND HAVE LOOKED FOR REASONS TO CHASE HIM OFF CAUSE I LIVE WITH REGERTS EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I DONT WANNA LIVE WITH THE HATRED ANYMORE BUT CANT SEEM TO LET IT GO

I have been a little down this past week or too so if I dont get back to you guys it is not you I just have not felt like being online I am having a ruff time with the holiday season due to the fact that on the 30th of this month it will be the two year aniversary that I lost my lil boy so I will get back to all of you as soon as I get over the emotions and stuff I am going through. God bless all of you and have a very merry christmas and a happy new year

I just read a bulletin where this guy called this girl a nigger lover. What the hell is with all the racism in this day in age. Blacks hatting whites, whites hatting blacks, and mexicans and what not. I am scared to raise my children in this world because I think that no matter what color your skin is you are human and deserve to be treated equally because no race is better then the other and its wrong for a person to think that they are better then another when they arent. God created us all to be equal and we should love thy brother and nobody does that anymore the hate and put others down I just dont understand it. The color of your skin should not be a reason for you to be judge.

I went from a size 16 jeans down to a size 10 and I am totally stoked about it cause I aint even trying to lose weight.

Since it is Thanksgiving tomorrow I would like to say that I am thankful for the chance to have atleast one more year with my kids and that they have this one last chance to be with their dad. I woud also like to give thanks for the fact that I am in my own home finaly after months of looking and the one that I finally landed is perfect. I could not ask for anything more.

I have been sitting in my room and thinking bout the shit that keeps eating at my mind and I wonder what the hell I have made of myself. Its like I dont know the person I have turned into so full of hate and just looking for reasons to walk out that door. I sit and think about how much I hate my life and how the people around me deserve to know the truth about the person they think I am cause I'm not this happy person that they all once knew I have built up this wall to keep them all out and I dont want to let it fall cause I know what lies on the other side. I wonder why I fell so weird like some one else is walking in my shoes this person I am is not me I'm mean and not afraid to speak my mind. I dont hide from what stands in my way I go for it even if it is dangerouse but lately I feel like I have been punking out cause I know I will lose it all if I slip up and my kids mean so much more to me then that. And they deserve more then what they get now where there home is a war zone for everyone that resides in it. Knowing that you have to keep everything else not just your feelings under lock and key and feeling like you dont even belong in your own home is what scares me cause I am not the one who made this desison to let the shit go wrong in my life but why should it have to be like this.

I have been sitting in my room and thinking bout the shit that keeps eating at my mind and I wonder what the hell I have made of myself. Its like I dont know the person I have turned into so full of hate and just looking for reasons to walk out that door. I sit and think about how much I hate my life and how the people around me deserve to know the truth about the person they think I am cause I'm not this happy person that they all once knew I have built up this wall to keep them all out and I dont want to let it fall cause I know what lies on the other side. I wonder why I fell so weird like some one else is walking in my shoes this person I am is not me I'm mean and not afraid to speak my mind. I dont hide from what stands in my way I go for it even if it is dangerouse but lately I feel like I have been punking out cause I know I will lose it all if I slip up and my kids mean so much more to me then that. And they deserve more then what they get now where there home is a war zone for everyone that resides in it. Knowing that you have to keep everything else not just your feelings under lock and key and feeling like you dont even belong in your own home is what scares me cause I am not the one who made this desison to let the shit go wrong in my life but why should it have to be like this.