The following is the fucked up questions I was asked as 'Metal-sludge.com' s
SLUDGEAHOLIC OF THE MONTH – Feb. 2005
1. Who are you, where are you from, and how old are you?
I am known on the Metal Sludge boards as ‘Guitarboy’, I live in Seattle,WA. And I’m 37 years old. (I turn 38 this month, so make sure to send me lots of shit!!)
2. Ambitions:
Wow, there are several.
* To finish my book, and have it published.
* To build a custom guitar for each of my idols (Eddie VH, Satch, Butch Walker, Brian May Give me a call!!)
* To make a lot of money as a celebrated author
* (see question #13)
3. Turn-ons:
Intelligent rock chicks who are sexy, beautiful, and sexually confident. Basically ‘a sludgette’ is my ideal woman.
4. Turn-offs:
Selfish, bitchy people with an exaggerated sense of their own self-importance. The sebitchian complex. So, not only would I NOT fuck Sebitchian. I would only piss on him, if he was on fire…or ideally if I set him on fire then pissed on him. You could add Madonna, Courtney Love, and that clicky numbnuts lord-of-the-dance asshat to the list of people I’d like to set on fire, and piss on.
5. How long have you been coming to Metal Sludge?
I have been coming to the main page for a few years now, and the boards for about a year. I am hopelessly addicted. I check it several times a day now. The sludge has turned me on to a number of bands that I really dig. Marvelous 3, Bowling for Soup, Fozzy, The Wildhearts, Metal Skool, Brides of Destruction. The 20 questions are incredible. Who else would have the balls to ask Lemmy “Do you have any idea what's growing on your face and why haven't you done something about it?” ..pure genius. Plus beneath the juvenile surface lies a lot of class. For instance the way you presented the Great White fire, and Dimebags murder.
6. Favorite bands:
Marvelous 3, Butch Walker, Enuff Z’nuff, Queen, Van Halen, Extreme, Dokken, Y&T, Skid Row, Paul Gilbert, Loudness, Brides of Destruction, Guns & Roses, The Scream, Racer X, Motley Crue, Saigon Kick, Vain, Motorhead, Dangerous Toys, Kings of the sun, Judas Priest, Genesis, Jellyfish, Badlands, Kiss (up until the solo albums, and a small few since), Ratt, The Cult, Tangier, The Police.. and literally hundreds more. I would like to specifically mention a new guy named Paul Bonrud (www.bonrud.com) He is an amazing guitar player. He has a new album on frontier records. It’s a 70’s melodic rock album in the vein of Foreigner, and Journey, but with 80’s style guitar playing. Check it out!
7. Least favorite bands:
Poison, and Slaughter. Nu-metal *limp bizcunts, linkin park. Audioslave.. CREED! Don’t get me started on those pretentious asshounds. ..Tuff
8. What do you do for a living?
I work in the computer industry. Currently I’m working on Video display drivers. That’s only until my gig as the pole cleaner at ‘Greasy Tony’s house of chubby skanks’ takes off. Or I’d like to be a fluffer in Lesbian midget porn.
9. Any formal education?
You mean other than ‘hooked on phonics’? Yes, the teachers all made me call them ‘Sir’... even the women. Is that weird?
10. Why the fuck do they call you the ‘GuitarBoy?’
Because I play the tuba. ...and I have the mental maturity of an infant. But ‘Tuba-preemie’ didn’t quite roll off the tongue. So I began playing guitar, and matching the colored animals on my clothes tags.
11. You’re from Seattle, which is pretty much where Grunge came from. How did you maintain an interest in hard rock and ‘hair metal’ when you were bombarded with daily doses of Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice In Chains, Tad,Mudhoney, Mother Love Bone, etc.?
It was hard. Every flannel wearing dickhead in the world dry humped the Nirvana bandwagon. It was a fucking embarrassment. All of these disaffected dipshits that thought grunge was nothing but a wardrobe were getting record deals, and had nothing original to say. I don’t know how not showering can be considered a statement... except to say ‘Don’t have sex with me!! I have questionable hygiene and I dress like a retarded lumberjack’
12. Finish the following sentences for us that begin with “The biggest
misconception about ______________ is…” For example, “The biggest
misconception about MTV is that they play videos.” You get the idea.
Metallica is = that they are a Metal Band. I think the world is starting to see Selloutica for the bullshit corporation that they have become. Their old albums were aggressive because they vented their frustration at being outsiders. Now they go to therapy, and sip cappuccino’s. Don’t try to pass yourselves off as metal anymore, it doesn’t work for Ashlee Simpson. And you have the descended to the same level of credibility.
Seattle is = A Music Mecca. Seattle has a few good bands in an ocean of mediocrity. Getting a thumbs up from a waitress in a coffee house doesn’t make you a fucking rockstar. Get over yourself, and write some decent songs. But first TUNE YOUR FUCKING GUITAR!
Starbucks is = that $4 for a fucking cup of coffee makes you cool, or part of the yuppie culture. It makes you a retard easily separated from your disposable income.
Playing guitar is = that it’s an instant passport to wealth and an endless supply of hot chicks. (That’s what being a sludgeaholic is for. Yay for ME!)
bastard boy floyd is = That he’s not sexy. Those pigtails get me hard, and the missing teeth fill me with lustful thoughts of what to do with that mouth. Actually, I think I even grossed myself out with that one. And I have told a story about getting my bare ass drooled on by an over excited St. Bernard!
Being Sludgeaholic of the Month is = that you don’t become the biggest chick magnet at the free clinic. I saw Evel Dick there, getting a penicillin shot. And there were no less than nine crack whores lining up to file off his genital warts.
13. If you could bang any one of our Sludgettes of the Month, who would it
be and why?
Wow, I would start with Ette, just because she is classy and such a sweetheart. And move on to Nikki, so she could whisper naughty things in my ear with her sexy British accent. And I would finish with Sharon, and Tamar, the deliciously gorgeous sludgettes of the year... and maybe a big naked romp with all the rest.
14. The Last of GuitarBoy:
Last song you learned = Pet the Hot Kitty – Atomic Playboys
Last guitar you bought = (bought) Les Paul Standard (built) a purpleheart Telecaster. (pictured)
Last CD you purchased = a Perfect Circle – eMOTIVe (btw, sucks goat balls). They do this horribly shitty version of ‘Imagine’ that should have John Lennon spinning in his grave so fast he’s drilling his way through the earths core.
Last time you broke a string = about 2 weeks ago.
Last time you shit yourself = about 8 years ago, I also woke up handcuffed to a Nicaraguan prostitute named Mommy. I haven’t touched Jaeger since.
Last time you got drunk = New Years eve. I got so drunk I thought I could sing. MISTAKE!! Lets just say, several tequila shots and thinking I know the words to a Tom Petty song wasn’t the best idea. I started just making shit up. Now, I had never really paid attention to the lyrics to any of Tom Petty's tunes before, but I thought for sure at least one of them was about Double Penetration. So I decided this would be the one. At the time I thought it went swimmingly. People were all smiles, and really seemed to be laughing, and enjoying themselves. I remember thinking to myself. They DON'T KNOW I'M WINGING IT!!
As if somewhere in the lyrics to the chorus of the song were the lines
" The waiting is the hardest part "
" you bend over, and it gets me hard
" You take it on faith, you take it on the run "
" You smile like a whore, when you take it in the bum"
" I'll pull out, when you have to fart"
...at least thats all I can make out from the tapes.
15. How do you feel about being our February 2005 Sludgeaholic of the Month?
Its an amazing opportunity. (especially if I can parlay it into a threesome with those sludgettes!!) It’s the closest I’ll get to a brush with fame, except for the time Brett Michaels offered me $100 to buy my pubes to be woven into a wig. I said ‘Hell No!’, and he left pouting, and he’s been pouting ever since. he went with a headband, and a leopard print cowboy hat instead. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
16. Personal Motto:
If you’re idea of a wild romp doesn’t include Jumper cables and an acrobatic midget. You’re just not trying. ..(that’s the rough translation of an old Irish phrase my grammy taught me).
