Dark Broken's blog: "Insight to my mind"

I must have really been out of it on that last one. As I read it, it didn't make senese to me on how my son could of been flipping through the tv channels at 11 pm but then i thought about it and i wrote it the next day. DUH! my first line should of told me that. This ones isn't gonna be long because my hands are cold and it is hard for me to type when i can't feel my hands. well i need to go to attend to my monster. ( my son)

I'm freaking tired i was up so much with my son last night i heard my phone beeping cause i had a text i just couldn't figure out when it actually rang. but just like i thought i wasn't me hearing things i actually had a text. So i checked it responded and went back to sleep. Not to mention i studied my ass off last night. Some with joe from class and because it was shit we never went over we both felt like a dumbass then heath showed me how to do the work then we got it. We went over some other shit too. As i attempted to go take off my makeup i was redirected to my computer no real reason just to see who was online and who wasn't. there were more people who weren't then were. my son is flipping through the channels on tv. yup just like a man. LOL JK BOYS! so ne ways this really has no purpose and really isn't going any where so i might end this before everyone seems to think " this girl has lost her mind" which i have but i won't let u know that. peace out

So saturday night we had Heath's birthday part there are pics on my profile. But anyways I have been wicked moody lately and i wasn't sure why then i actually stopped to think about it and I came to the conclusion that i wasn't ready in my head for tons of different things. I'm still wanting to be me and stay single for now and get my shit together. Like another job, another car, and a new place to live. Shit is stressful enough with my everyday life and it doesn't help that everyone wants to me please everyone. I need to focus on my kids and what is important to me. Thats why i am not looking for any thing more then friends. but i gotta run tawny and i are getting ready to head out to look for a place. peace out bitches

So i have decided to step away from the people i love the most. For some reason everyone seems to have a dick up their ass. Everyone is so moody and stressed out. I understand stress happens i am stressed out too but i don't take it out on everyone else. People are gonna be lucky if i answer my cell or text messages. I think it is time to go back to the way i was back in high school or how i was a year ago. a loner.. Everyone has this thing where they are taking everything out on everybody or don't make enough time for someone. so i am just gonna do my own thing and let them know how it feels. i have a friend leaving this weekend for iraq and i haven't even hung out with him. Last time we talked or seen each other was the other day when he came out but other than that it was 3 months before. But i am out.

so it is 4 days until my mike gets here from Philly and 5 days until the party of the year. My bestfriend heath's birthday. It's one of the best things for me cause it will be the first night since i have had my son that i will actually get to go out all night without him. FUCKING AWESOME. Of course with all that aside i am dealing with some small minor issues right now. i can hear kissing behind me i know who it is and if u are reading this u know who u were too. HAHA BUSTED NO DOING THE NOOKIE WITH ME IN THE ROOM. so ne ways I am gonna go for now. peace, love, and car grease

so today's high is 65. call me a whimp but it freaking cold out. Most of u are laughing right now cause to u it isn't cold but let me tell ya when u live in the south and u are used to 105 to 110 degree temps with humity so high u walk out your front door for 2 seconds and it feels like ur face has melted off its cold. and tonights its suppose to get down into the 40's. wtf it was hot yesterday and i'm not kidding when i say this but we had a cold front come in last night i was helping my mom clean her car windows and it was nice and warm with a warm breeze and we didn't even finish with the front windsheild before all the cool air hit us. it rained hard last night. our lights went out for like 4 minutes and that was all. but today is 65 and tomorrow is 70 something and then 60's again. and they wonder y people get sick. texas has the weirdest weather ever. its so odd. i could be sunny up at heaths and raining at my house that is how weird it is. i am so cold i have long sleeves long pants, and my socks on with slippers. i was in my warm bubble earlier but i had to get out of it to do laundry. i want to be lazy today but yesterday was my lazy day. I can't turn the heat on cause them damn northerners i live with say it isn't cold yet. and those who don't know i am talking about my mom and step dad. if i get sick their the ones watchin my son.

I am being to think things that i shouldn't think or normally think. See I will do anything for my kids to make them happy and being a single mother and living in a military town there aren't to many jobs here because the military comes first. I don't want to work for $5.15 an hour because i can't live off of that. I had to give up alot of things that make me happy for my kids. Now my son will turn a year old on saturday and it kills me to know that i can't give him his first birthday party. I was kinda hoping on gettin some money from his father but we all know if u had read my previous blogs that he won't do shit. So after sometime and think about it hard i think i am gonna have to move somewhere where the money is good. I don't want to leave where i am because my family is here and they are the glue that holds me together. So i am thinking about a job at a bar as a waitress only thing is. I can't deal with drunken fools to much. i don't really drink and if i do it has to be a damn good reason. so drunks aren't my thing. but u gotta do what u gotta do to support ur kids. I don't like borrowing money because i am never sure when i can pay it back and it isn't someone elses job to provide for my kids other than mine. My friends and family try to help me as much as possible. I worked up until july then i quit because after all the bills plus daycare and gas i had no money. I want to take legal action against my ex but because he is running from the government its alot harder. and beside I don't have the money for a lawyer right now. so as soon as i am done with my classes now i am gonna have to find a damn good job and continue my education so i can better my life. I have goals for the next 5 years and i live to achieve everything i set for myself. Not to mention i am tryin to make my family proud. I want my kids to grow up with a better life then me. I want to be a better parent then mine where and let me tell u those are some hard ass shoes to fill because no matter what my parents did the most they could for us. then after my dad died my mom struggled to make ends meat for just the 2 of us because at that time my brothers were over the age of 18 and could do for themselves. Now i know the struggle and i am starting to wonder if things will start to look up for me so i can begin to help my mom the way she has helped me.

Pain By Three Days Grace Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like it rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all You're sick of feeling down You're not the only one I'll take you by the hand And I'll show you a world that you can understand This life is filled with hurt When happiness doesn't work Trust me and take my hand When the lights go out you will understand Pain, without love Paint, I can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Anger and agony Are better than misery Trust me I've got a plan When the lights go off you will understand Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing Rather feel pain I know (I know I know I know I know) That you're wounded You know (You know you know you know you know) That I'm here to save you You know (You know you know you know you know) I'm always here for you I know (I know I know I know I know) That you'll thank me later Pain, without love Pain, can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Pain, without love Pain, I can't get enough Pain, I like rough 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain than nothing at all Rather feel pain

Everytime something starts to work out, something horrible makes it take another turn. Life throws curve balls and i know that. When my friends hurt i hurt, and right now my friends are hurting and now i am gonna lose my 2 bestfriends for good. and i know i have too but i wish things could go back to the way there were weeks ago. Not just for me but for a friend too. I am not getting into detail cause it isn't no ones business but the people who know. but when i lose my 2 bestfriends i feel like i am losing my family. I love those 2 so much. But i wish them luck and i want them to know that i love u and i will always be here for u. Its really hard for me to try to explain how i feel. It probaly sounds really selfish that i want them to stay due to the reasoning of why they are leaving. But without those to here i have no one. The 4 friends that i have are so close to me. They are the only ones that would always be there if i needed them and always have my back. With 2 of them already so far away, and the other 2 leaving who am i gonna go too when times for me get tough? they are my family. When they hurt I hurt. I am tryin to not to ponder on this issue to much because the more i think about it the more it drives me insane.

So 2 days ago i noticed ethan had a fever and i gave him some meds. well then yesterday he seem to have gotten worse, as time went on i started to feel the same sickness. now i feel like shit i don't want to leave my bed and all i want is for someone to take care of me, bring me my coffee and dr.pepper. forget food all i need is coffee and dr.pepper. So i had went down to heath's for a couple minutes and bullshitted with him and tawny. When it hit me. I'm not cranky. i am always cranky when i am sick. brfb i gotta lets these dogs in.. ok back. and if u didn't get what brfb is it stands for be right fuckin back. so ne ways i rest a sured while i lay in bed not feeling good, u guys are out getting laid, and hanging out with friends. remember i can't do that